i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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