dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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