Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
