i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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