you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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