ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
