dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
