she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I checked into jail on foursquare
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
