i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
