I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
