Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
