I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
