i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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