I can tuck mytits in my pants
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize