It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize