every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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