Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize