i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
