I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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