The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
