She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
