some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
