so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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