if i can run in heels then i can drive
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
