Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm really into asian looking animals
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
