The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
