I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
