can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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