I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize