He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize