By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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