I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I touched a dick in church today
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
