God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
