all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
