this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
