It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
