walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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