I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sext me about skeletons
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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