Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize