Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
