I can't watch pbs sober anymore
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
