Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The beer is more important than you right now.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
