And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
