I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize