just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
