Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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