I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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