he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
