Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
