I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
