True but thats because hes a fetus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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