6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize