i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
