sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
