oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
