Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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