I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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