I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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