Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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