I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
