Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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