What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize