I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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