peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
