need another drink. this is the easiest way
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
