I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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